COPING

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Your lesson not working out today?” a co-worker asked me.

“Actually, no, but I just mean, in general. I don’t think this is my calling.”

“How many years have you been teaching?”

“This one.”

“This is your first year? What is your degree in?”

“My bachelor’s is in business administration and my master’s is in media psychology.”

“So how did you become an art teacher?”

“You tell me! I ask myself that every other day. I mean, I like art. I like to draw, but everything is so difficult. I don’t think I can do this another year. I have to do something else.”

So after a rough day that began with a change to my lesson plans/plan execution that I did not anticipate, and starting the week with the classes that stress me the most, I was not in the mood for anything else. At all.

I know my face said it. I know my body language said it. I kept trying to cheer myself up. I kept trying to put on my actress face. Smile on the outside until you feel the smile inside. But it wouldn’t come.

I had my students do some relaxing art and breathing exercises. Mostly for my benefit. Honestly, the most calm I felt all day was drawing a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog with my last class. It was so nice. I feel so grateful for that moment. But after the class ended and the thoughts of the day came back and how I was ready to go before I arrived, I started thinking of a frozen Coke.

What else stresses me out is that my usual coping mechanism doesn’t work anymore. I’ve never wanted to smoke. I hate the taste of alcohol. I am an emotional eater though, or I was. I went to Whataburger. I got a burger and a Coke. And it did not make me feel better. So now what?

I know exercise should be the answer. Right?

Drawing? Maybe.

Yoga? I don’t know if my body can move in that way, but maybe.

This will be my new quest: find a way to cope.